| letter # 3 |
[Aug. 31st, 2008|11:22 pm] |
dear boy who appears in windows,
Yesterday i was looking at my reflection from the corner of my eye. the way i watch you with ease. I spotted the scar at the left corner of my mouth. I suddenly remembered i recieved that scar when i was playing peter pan by myself and captain hooks clothes hanger caught me by the mouth like a caught fish and tore the skin. You are left handed, but in truth peter pan was weilding the hanger. You see captain hook had to be imagined he wasn't really there.
yours the boy lost in wanderlust. |
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| letter # 2 |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|09:21 am] |
Dear boy who cuts the wooden tumors,
I spoke to you from the roof top outside my old bedroom. I let the sun beat down and obstruct my alertness. I let it glue my eyes into a slant and i pressed the call button on my cellular device. I wanted to speak to you from a scenic setting. I wanted to bridge some gap of my commonplace days to your magic. I sent cuff links to your box and a poem about how your face looks like a box when you wear your black hoody lined with pink material. i wrote less intensly more observantly than before and i do not check my mail everyday because the exchange of my letter may never occur. that is how i feel again just as i felt before. but but but i still wait. still in waiting for my fate to be revealed by you woodland pixie. come to the coast come to the sea. and see me.
the boy with a sun slanted face. |
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| letter # 1 |
[Aug. 8th, 2008|11:21 am] |
Dear one who swims in the river,
The day is stone cold gray. Its almost eleven thrirty and i've sat around the breakfast table for far too long waiting for some unpredictable event to occur to move me to action. but nothing comes except the stone cold grayness of the city in the summer and it reminds me of when you were last here. You are not here now and i doubt that you shall ever come before the fall. the roots have not reached my mailbox and although i sendd the braches out those fickle feelers they retrieve no word of you and your whereabouts. You're destined to become enveloped in the moss and mist of the river up north. You will make it your continued doctrine and consecutive religious experiences. it will drop me from your senses and leave me to the wolves. I was in a pit yesterday this vaccuum that hurtled fashion magazines and frivilous garments at everyone and they just gobbled it up not knowing why and they turned their backs on the pretty door they came from. I'm left to this and i have to scrape to get out just as you have to swim deep and cooly from the gray into another mutation of your precious colors. Until then i wait for the afternoon where the hues, the tints blend for me and you to meet up. It may take forever for the combination the words to flow and it just may not be worth it afterall, but if my tear ducts can still cramp a little then i think there is hope.
Yours patiently the one who sits and a empty breakfast table. |
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| end |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|08:07 am] |
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so for a while all the good deep gritty dirty underneath my fingernails, paint in my hair and unwashed untainted non jaded things have come to an end. Now that both my week up at camp and my top secret i 'm sick from work half week of riding my bicycle to camp and staying a half week have come to a close all the adventures seem to have gone out. the sad truth that him in his black hoody with its pink lining thta makes his head more squarish is eyes more slit when he wears it is the last i'll see of him his brief hug around my corpse and his yelling out the window is uite possibly all i'll ever know. of course i'll dilligently check the mail daily and i'll welcome my sleep like never before. but my faith is not great its a force i can't predict ever and so i stand at the edge seeing what will come out of the canyon below. but i'll thank him i'm more of a person my spirit is stonger and i know how hard my will is too. other adventures will present themselves no doubt and i won't hesitate when they do. |
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| leaving |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|10:16 pm] |
so i'm quitting working at the cafe at long last its been almost 2 years at abir. i tell people i'm leaving because the shoe store is giving me full time and the cafe with cut hours and really low tips lately isn't worth my time. this is true. but its also true that ive seen everything i ever liked about that cafe go out of it. i've seen atleast 4 or 5 strong going crews go through that place and I've been at the core of alot of them and now i don't relate i'm jaded and i've stopped wanting to meet friends because its so hard to keep the old ones i've made there. Its alot like when i left the museum in highschool it just ran dry. Also if i'm honest i've wanted so badly to be accepted into the heart of the group i helped build who are all cooler than cool and i've always lacked that quality. i don't get them and they don't get me.and its too much like school where i put on a hard face to stay afloat its funny when unpopularity scares you still and makes you depressed even in this huge city of weirdos. |
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| dear san francisco |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|01:10 am] |
dear city of san francisco,
i feel that i need to communicate my feeling with you. Right now oh beautiful city i feel pretty miserable. i feel as if you have a blockade on me. i feel as if when i go out you've told all my little secrets and all my little hopes to everyone and they are whispering with scornful looks. this isn't happening obviously to my knowledge and that is just my egotism. I feel as if i've followed all your advice about how to improve my life in the city i've followed through with the job, the steep rent, the styling, the skin and exercise regimes. i've been kind and unobtrusive as best as i am capable.But the truth is city that i so badly want to love i feel you havn't kept your end of the bargain. where are people i can relate to? where are friends to be had?where is the community? and why can i not even get a measly date? give me a break san francisco i feel broken. i don't ask for romantic love and i don't ask for riches and fame for perfect looks for supreme popularity. only something to feel as if i havn't wasted everything for a fraction of the dream i have. wisdom self control tact and gratitude are all useful yes i agree thank you but give me some sign that there is more to come i need to have a give and take relationship or i'm going to have to move on. i can not exist like this for ever. unless you grand city are really just a model of everywhere ? then you should tell me now so i no longer hope. |
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| the bar |
[Apr. 10th, 2008|03:20 am] |
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you walk out into the night air its cold but you'll manage in your rather musty leather jacket found in the old screened in porch of the fulton street house. you turn up 18th street beacuase more people walk up and down that street not for safety but to be seen some people compliment you to their friends as you walk quickley past them and you think this will be a good night perhaps. the door man doesn't care that your id looks nothing like you and belongs to your last fling who probally frequents the place often. three dollars you're in another body shoved into what was probally a old sf victorian store front or a parlor. approach the bar you need a drink your bike tire got stolen today and the place is far to stimulating for you. your manager spots you with his friend and buys you your first whiskey sour a little small talk a introduction to his friend and then bam clinging pushy 30 somehting jew guy comes up and insists on knowing everything about you and wants to rub his hands up and down your sides he continues for the next half an hour without any encouragement or reciprication you're polite conversationally but other than that stand their like a manequin. you see another co workers's good friend his hag fag shes lovely and as you talk to her you check out boys and wonder how she hasn't become fed up to people looking her quit ein the eye for an entire sentance. you see a pretty shy blond boy whos trendy and smile meekly at him a few more songs another drink and you see him at the other side of the room scary jew tv producer has finally given up after exhausting his" so whats on your ipod questions" you sile at the beautifuly simple boy and he looks back yes he smiles a bit and yes he approaches what a chord what a lark oh what a golden combination in the human's existance in his essence. his name is darius and his mother once wove tapestries in new york. you reach for his hand to dance ok its corny but atleast its not usual. how vulgar to be usual. after a bit he goes to the bathromm anbd then back to his friends you won't see him till everyone files out of the bar. untill then you're subjecting to stares classic comeons by ridiculous characters a few lovely eyeflirts and the worse audacitites of people stroking rubbing and caressing you without any welcome or permission. on the way out darias says goodnight with a hug a biy wiht a hat introduces himself your ex flings friend kisses your hand anfd the last boy you met somewhere and made out with on a pool table smirks at you. you walk home alone into the empty night streets. how stupid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|11:43 pm] |
please go away
no i left it behind you muckracking town
no what i mean is the graft is enormous upon my own head as the window shopping draws us in
because as you, as we all know its tres difficille ,no?
as i impress as i'm nice to your big shining balloon face
in a manner of lily
in a manner of camelias
that i wish i lived on carmelita in my yellow gabled house where the tree fell down on the day the storms raged where i was before i am desolate maintenant soy soltero
across the window in broken fragments
its all stark
wait don't leave me
i'm sorry i only spoke about me
its a fault
fuck |
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| meh |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|11:26 pm] |
still struggling to stay off wheat and sugar. i'm really good about it when left to my own advices but living with roomates its way to tempting there's always something laying around and i taste it then i'm hooked yet again. i wished i lived with people who shared my ideas of anti inflammatory foods etc. anyways i know its trivial but i not only feel physically sick but i realize how many of my bad lows are triggered by these two evil agents. i need to go away where i can seriously get on a health track.
other realizations i need to be in a more inspiring art orientated places .. art school being probally the most lacking in both ironically. ha. not that i'm going to threaten to leave it again but.. i should try to do more of my own thing seek out more artistic environments..maybe do some more shows go to more yoga classes.
i wish this wind would stop its so cold! it makes me deader. |
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| my attention |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|09:40 am] |
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i wonder why i seldomn allow myself to enjoy myself. i see flashy images of countless people my age getting wasted going out night after night my coworkers my friends but i? no i usually let my vanity and my ideas of productivity overule. i save myself that maybe one night a week like the weekenders i detest and sometimes not even that. its so safe and irreproachable. " i see alot of stupid sentimentality and self pity here." |
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| spiders |
[Apr. 2nd, 2008|04:38 am] |
sometimes i beleive that if i'm going to get anywhere new i need to reach into my inner coils into my bloody guts and tear out the impossible idea that all the hedwig and plato nonsense i incorporated into myself at some point in tim and rip it out of me and get a practical pragmatic approach to sex and any dealings i want to have wish i did but somehow don't with men. i don't smile i'm so fearful and so egotistical that i think people will just " see me" that my essense will light up and advertise myself and they will do all the work. and i should get over all this so i won't have to constantly meet each wave with apprehension. i'm shy. sometimes your youth is like a shrinking eye of a noose and you tighten the cord for the first half of your life trying to kill it off, the youth that is or maybe it just drives you mad taunting you with limber limbs and wrinkless skin and tamish hangovers and then i imagine alot of the rest of your life is just how you attempt to free yourself from the shrinking circumfrace. i've decided to start walking not through the usual cruisy corners in hopes of meeting a unusually good person but rather all the unususal pretty spots i like maybe thats where one meets unusual people. but what if they're as lonesome as you are? people are cores and theres a few things in them this entry reveals the obviousness of my core. |
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| humdrum |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|11:41 pm] |
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i suscessfully completed a 48 hour juice fast today and i had meant to continue it till sunday but my good friend bexie was leaving for south america for a indefinite amount of time on sunday and invited me to cook creative vegan concoctions with her to clean out her cupboards so i had dinner but was amazingly full after one plate and now feel tired being back home i think i'll continue the fast again tomorrow till atleast saturday night i think it did alot of good to stabalize my digestive system and curb my sugar wheat addiction. . in other news i turn 21 in 8 months exactly today woo, i found out that the boy i had/have a crush on wasn't just leaving me hanging exactly he did get beck together with his stupide ex so they can be stupid together. which is dumb but more concrete then hey why did we never have a second dat or 3rd hook up? obviously i'll never meet anyone always going to hetero parties and being underage working at lousy cafes. probally not. san francisco dating sucks. ok i'm going to go to bed and successfully get up early tomorrow. here goes. |
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| assholes |
[Feb. 24th, 2008|04:36 pm] |
i told a customer at the cafe ,today ,off
i made this cuntface a tripple espresso he watched me make it he handed it back to my coworker and told him i can't drink this this is house coffee. i was right there i told him no its a tripple espresso. he told me no its not. i told him it is just that a tripple espresso i just made it. no he said i want a tripple espresso i said it is what it is if you don't like it you can go somewhere else. hey he said i don't need you to tell me that i've been coming here 10 years and you aren't doing your job right i'm just asking you to do your job right. i took it back and said i'm trying sir. i'll remake it for you. i've worked there a year and a half i've never seen this man before.
and then what am i to do with you. you are quiet all morning i ask you questions i'm friendly but notchalant i pretend that i don't notice that you never return my texts but you text me at 3 in the morning? i pretend that the last time i saw you you didn't kiss me hard and i dress up nice and i take as little notice of your insolence of the fact you take no notice of me besides a passing of an order or a sorry when you run into me.and its as if on some level you're consciensus of my crippled feelings and self respect. but too self involveed to do anything, too burdened with indecisive abilities. and i think you have an idea that the worst way to shake me off is ignore me then tantalize me. even though i want to get over you i don't respect you and i should only pity you and yet you may be more of an asshole then the asswipe who i shouted at. a irresistable stupid asshole. |
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| 2/15 |
[Feb. 16th, 2008|01:43 am] |
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i didn't want to wake up today i tried to pull the blankets tight around my head and fantasize about ways to create some apparatus that would create a door like feature in my room so i wouldn't notice everyone coming in and out. if you didn't know by now my room is acctually a living room thta people have to walk through to get to the kitchen. and since my roommates boyfriend cam eot live with us they spend an increasingly amount of time in the kitchen and make out and embrace all the time in it. i got a cat so i wouldn't feel all alone sometimes but it just sleeps under my bed all day and i have to drag it out if i want to see it. its a bit of a bore.i texted my crush today to see if he needed help moving he said he was pretty much done asked how i was i told him asked how he was he told me i made a comment the end. i don't know why i bother i mean the boy didn't know sugar was supposed to be bad for you.i guess he also doesn't know when he's being a rude flake to someone.and how that usually makes me like people more because they are so aloof. i worked in the cafe tonight, basically a treat for social contact with people becuase they are forced to "hang" out with me for six hours.otherwise i would never see these " friends" oddly enough most of my friends are married i realized today.maybe i'm an intense person. i may only know how to talk about very serious topics or very polite ones, and i'm only goofy when i know a person very well. |
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| james taylor and card boxes |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|09:51 pm] |
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valentines day gets so boring when you're not a kid anymore oh and i guess more if you're single, but really really i think my favorite valentines days have been when i was a kid and made kleenex box or paper plate card holders passed valentines to classmates ate cheap chocolate made crafts and ate frosted cookies and cupcakes. i would give violets and forget me knots to teachers make valentines with doilies nad glitter with my mom and sister lisitn to james taylor on valentines day over and over and maybe go out o eat at the bohemian restaurant down town. my other valentines days i feel as if i made elaborate plans that weren't recipricated at all. except i guess last year when i was woken up with 2 roses and a 2 cards. that was nice i ilike flowers. the first time i got flowers on valentines day they were orchids that probally weren't for me but the boy had them handy so he probally had to buy them again for someone else.today i got flowers from my mom at work and had to go out with my crazy boss who reminds me of miss piggy.. cuuuute is what i hear all day thos are so cuuuute look at these aren't they cute they are so cute. what a appallingly bad adjetive it is really. really. i think i'm going to drop one of my classes 20 hrs of school and 30 hrs work is getting harsh already plus cooking cleaning laundry and all the other life shit and trying to stay healthy and stylish whatever.i think 3 classes is a good number for me. i kinda think i half expected maybe a little well boost to my status's future or atleast dating future. guess not. thats not really new. well actually it is this is the first v day in four years i've been bymyself. interesting.its not at all bad i don't really think of it as a very special day but i guess it makes one put certain things in perspective. it used to seem more like a holiday. |
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| psychic weekend |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|09:42 pm] |
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mostly everyone i wanted to see or i wanted something from happened to me this weekend/ yesterday. its so funny when you think to yourself i'm gonna stop thinking about how bad i have it and know one loves me that things start to happen . friday i went to class with this thought and i went through my tedious drawing class resolved to be productive and good. emma called me while in class and wanted to hang out which was lovely as i hadn't seen her since september uuuuh so we made plans to meet up around 3. i found out carlos would be hanging out too which was even better as i wasn't sure if i could still hang out on sunday like we had planned. excellent. so i had lunch in south park and it was a beautiful day. after picking some things up from federal building i decided to walk along the sidewalk next to the park when i see a familiar face. my coffee customer cruch long pull 2 espresso in a large cup. we chatted for a bit and i knew he w ould ask me for my number so i let him and of course as i thought he did and gave me a long hug. that was nice. later researching his name on the internet like all snoops like me do i find he owns his own internet advertisement company? even if he doesn't call me i'm just pleased that he thought about it and hey if i ever feel really sexy and free i may call him. even though i'm done with calling boys. anyways the rest of my friday involved me dressed like it was summer seeing emma and carlos going to the space gallery and then cinch with christopher and miranda seeing a really attractive boy across the room thinking i want to make out with him his coming over to do just that. saturday i people i knew kept coming into the shoe shop, becca called me finally, ran into billy outside the tranfer was completely cool and non commital went to martinez ran into courtney there on a run and the list goes on. its like clock work. now if a a certain someone calls me. if i suddenly have something to do on thursday that'd be kinda nice. oh and some money come from the sky so i can move into a proper bedroom and lose 2 roommates. |
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| caboose |
[Feb. 8th, 2008|12:04 am] |
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i've been sick this week so now i get to play catchup with school it makes me feel inadequette but i will break the feeling. i think the rest time was good it made me think and pause and realize the insignificance of the social problems and look at my life which yes has these social trends in it repeatedly, but i was reading something about my certain sign or birthdate and for the first time i remember reading it told me that i have this huge insecurity that goes in cycles of when i don't feel loved and the center of attention i break down and recluse untill i suddenly question why i ever did it again. i need to accept apparently that i'm going to feel this way probally on regular basis until i fully depend on my self for self assurance instead of feeling " popular" which i have never really felt except in fleeting instances. thats ok what i need to feel more urgently is that when i'm not feeling oh so loved that the rest of my life isn't looking shapeless shambley. so ok matthew so some boys lost interest in you whatever. its happened before and will happen again i just get all power hungry and mad when i don't get to fix it all up myself. boo hoo. i can win the next round. i can also take better care of myself/ house / family so i have a upper hand next time i feel dragged through the mud two weeks before a lonely valentines day waaahh wahhhh deal baby. |
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| san franflako |
[Feb. 3rd, 2008|02:56 am] |
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i feel like the constant city is sucking my soul out again. people flake left and right. and everything is lonliness and diligence. sometimes i wish i hadn't got back into school so i could have moved out of this city and accepted failure. i still like boys way too quickly i don't understand how i can continue this trend after all the previous episodes. luckily the boys i'm interested in get wise quiker than they used to even with me covering up my tracks more seasonally than before. anyways i'm probally just tired a full work week/ school week / two shows has left me exhausted . time for my day off tomorrow. on the good side i sold both comics and spoon bracelets which hardly covered musicians and door people even with donations.whatever untill my head reaches the pillow i think i hate everyone in sf and this flake town along with it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2008|06:56 pm] |
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i had today off and waited around the house but all i got was i'll call you later. happy shiny fantasies of course vanished that shouldn't be there at all. anyways its probally ok apparently a side effect of accutane can be inflammatory bowels? which i may just be developing. hmmmmm atleast my skin looks fucking fantastic the whole reason i had a prospect of fantasies at all. well theres like 3 more hours before its all out of the question right. but a nighttime only means the remedial shit that i was interested in expanding. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2008|10:40 pm] |
two teaspoons and 6 cups precise in measurments
when i walk by these pale white georgians among the theatrical vaulldiville tenants
and then in a run in a great gaping open mouth sprint it rushes like a music box and measurments come in focus
in focus like your dental boxes in focus like your pin point of light on the projectore wall
there were signs and they went unsown
now a sketch in a whirling dirbish costume now a place of employment in a rented house in your fathers wine cup
it will begin again he said all over again the accumulation of facts and repeated history
when the waves move back and repeat where we might have had that bleak light and you gobbled it up greedy guts in my island's cottage all green and somber when the light filtered through the tree panes and we entered a field a companion and i a tree solitude a refuge site where i thought and it rewound itself all tethered and frenchmaid in a roar in a flicker in a buzzing pinched finger. |
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